||[Jan. 15th, 2005|10:10 pm]
Am I the only one who’s ever sat around and wondered what their life was worth? Am I the only one who’s ever sat on her bed at night and just cried for the past? Sometimes I wonder if my life will wind up being successful or will I end up like my mother kicking herself every living second about her past regrets and mistakes? Am I the only one who’s been so close to the best thing, so close I can taste it, and as soon as I know it, there’s something missing? Why is it that I am never happy? Why is it that when I seem to have everything a girl my age wishes for I still find myself feeling deprived? Why is it so hard for me to trust anyone? And that for some reason I only seem to trust someone after they’ve been hurt as I have? Why is that? Why does someone have to go through my pain for me to let my guard down? Is it because I then know they wouldn’t do this to me because they don’t want me going through the pain they went through? How come I seem to have never cheated on anyone but yet, 99% of my relationships have ended this way? Why would I give everything to love again not knowing a heart could break? |
I trust Jon. I honestly think I do. But why is it that when he’s out and his phone is off I seem to be thinking he’s doing the inevitable. Why is it that I never have anyone to talk to when I need them the most and the ones who need me, I never seem to be there? How do I know my friends seek true friendship in me or do they portray me to be indifferent? Am I just one big fucking joke? Am I just someone people are going to look at and think “She’s slow on the uptake”? I’m not a fucking dumb ass goody-two-shoes blonde everyone seems to fucking think I am. I’m not that. I’m not a high maintenance bitch who’s going to pitch a bitch fit when I don’t get my way. I’m not the mistaken unintelligent trying to be intelligent person that’s just trying to be heard for her ignorance. I’m not this person.
Why is it SO important for me to be loved and love in return? Why is this such a sensitive subject for me? Why do I always seem to be the one people come to for relationship advice? Does it look like I’ve had the best relationships? Does it look like I have the best luck? Does it look like I haven’t been hurt 5000 times in my short 16 years? Does it look like I have fucking time for your problems while I’m still trying to fucking figure out my own! Do I look like your GOD DAMN therapist!? Leave me the fuck alone!
I don’t know what brought this along. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just going through this in my life right now and I’m feeling need of comfort. I have all the comfort I need, so why do I want more? Why do I feel so deprived when I have all I want? Maybe… I’m just so fucking ready to get out on my own. I’m so ready to get where I don’t have to listen to anyone else’s opinion. I’m ready to spend my life with Jon. I’m ready to be a mother. I’m ready to not have any worries in my life. I’m READY. I’m ready to show people who I am. I’m so fucking ready. I don’t need comfort. I don’t need anyone’s shoulder to cry on. I don’t need that. I have what I need. And that is I.
Jon is a major thing in my life right now. All of our troubles… Kim (stupid whore), Brent, Mama, Josh, Daddy, Alex, Dustin, normal things. I still find myself not caring what anyone thinks, I love him. I love him so much that nothing else in this world matters. I love him so much I would give EVERYTHING to him. I would die for him. No, wait. To say I’d die for him… isn’t enough. I’d live through the most intense excruciating pain for him… just because he’s worth it. Dying is giving in. I’d keep on fighting for him. I’d give it all away. He gets to me like no-one else. He knows what I’m thinking without me even saying a word. He understands, he loves, he heals me. He changed me when I was my own worst enemy. He knows how it is. He speaks to me with his heart, and I can’t help but fall in love with him again every time I look into his deep eyes. I can’t help but feel amazing when I’m with him. I’m flying, I’m falling, I’m floating, and I all I want to do is hold him… love him… and spend every day that passes thinking of new ways to love him more. It’s like…. have you ever had a vision of what a perfect love would be? Well just close your eyes and dream a dream that just gets sweeter.. and that would be him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a lover. He’s my best friend and confidant. I can be myself around him and I want him forever.
I love all of you for taking the time to read through this and understand where I’m coming from. I love all of you very much.